my brother ...what are you doing...i love you

tim.....

ive been going over and over in my head what could i ahve done....why didnt u let me try to help u? if i had given u the car..... or bought u groceries more ....if i had found ur dad when u were alive.....if u had some pictures of all your family in your room would that have helped to be able to look at all the pics we have of us with u and u to see how happy we were to have u in our lives.....if i put pics up in your rooom.....if i went to court to fight for the boys.....if you could live here with us....would any of that made a difference???? would it have helped???? i wish u had opened up with me i would have tried to help u more and if it didnt work and u still felt u had to do this i would have held u through it....i think of u alone at night and alone the night u died....i didnt want u to die alone i would have held u and said its ok i understand !! i would have talked to u about stuff and how much we all loved u and are proud of u and hugged u tight till your last breath ...i love you so much my heart breaks for the pain u must have been in ....im so so sorry i couldnt protect u !!!! what do we do how do we live with out you? i know we will but every min will hurt and i know as the days and years go by the hurt will fade..and we will adjust...but know that the memories and the love will be there forever.....i hope where u are u are at rest and peace and not hurting.....i hope u know how much u are missed ...i hope when u were here u knew we loved u

why is it that when someone is alive we take them for granted and just assume they know we love them and assume they are ok and stay busy with our own problems and our own stuff...then when they pass its all we can think about they consume our every word, thot and breath .......i think that we need to reverse that