explains things that went thru Tims head on a daily basis.....

some of the words to this song u may not understand but what i take from it is part the illness talking to his head part the band members feelings for what he was going thru and part the distortion that takes place in a persons head who deals with this disease of schitzophrenia/schitzo effective disorder. these may seem to make people sad for me its very therapeutic. and i feel it just explains so much that so many people dont understand.

NIGHTMARE!


Now your nightmare comes to life.

Dragged you down below
Down to the devils show
To be his guest forever

Peace of mind is less than never

Hate to twist your mind
But God ain't on your side
An old acquaintance severed
Burn the world your last endeavor

Flesh is burning
You can smell it in the air
Cause men like you have such an easy soul to steal (steal)

So stand in line while they ink numbers in your head
You're now a slave until the end of time here
Nothing stops the madness turning, haunting, yearning pull the trigger

You should have known
The price of evil
And it hurts to know that you belong here

Yeah
Oooooooh
It's your fucking nightmare

While your nightmare comes to life
Can't wake up in sweat
Cause it ain't over yet
Still dancing with your demons

Beyond the will to fight
Where all that's wrong is right
Where hate don't need a reason
Loathing self-assassination
You've been lied to
Just to rape you of your sight
And now they have the nerve to tell you how to feel (feel)
So sedated as they medicate your brain
And while you slowly go insane they tell ya
"Given with the best intentions, help you with your complications"

You should have known
The price of evil
And it hurts to know that you belong here

Yeah

No one to call
Everybody to fear
Your tragic fate
Is looking so clear

Yeah
Oooooooh
It's your fucking nightmare
HA! HA! HA! HA!

Fight (Fight! ). not to fail (fail! )
Not to fall (fall! )
Or you'll end up like the others

Die (Die! ), die again (die! )
Drenched in sin (sin! )
With no respect for another

OH!

Down(Down! ), feel the fire(fire! )
Feel the hate(hate! )
Your pain is what we desire

Lost (Lost! ), hit the wall (wall! )
Watch you crawl (crawl! )
Such a replaceable liar

And I know you hear their voices
(Calling from above)
And I know they may seem real

(These signals of love)
But our life's made up of choices
(Some without appeal)

They took for granted your soul
And it's ours now to steal
As your nightmare comes to life

You should have known
The price of evil
And it hurts to know that you belong here

Yeah

No one to call
Everybody to fear
Your tragic fate
Is looking so clear

Yeah
Oooooooh

It's your fucking nightmare

victim by avenge sevenfold

House full of roses

A letter on the stairs
A tape full of messages for anyone who cares
Collage of broken words

And stories full of tears
Remembering your life
Cause we wish that you were here


Nothing is harder
Than to wake up all alone
Realize it's not okay
It's the end of all you know


Time keeps passing by
But it seems I'm frozen still
Scars are left behind
But some too deep to feel


And some say this can't be real
And I've lost my power to feel, tonight
We're all just victims of a crime


When all is gone and can't be regained
We can't seem to shelter the pain inside


We're all just victims of a crime


Somedays you'll find me
In a place I like to go
Ask questions to myself
Bout the thing I'll never know


What's left to find
Cause I need a little more
I need a little time
Can we even up the score?




And some say this can't be real
And I've lost my power to feel, tonight


We're all just victims of a crime


When all is gone and can't be regained
We can't seem to shelter the pain inside


We're all just victims of a crime


And nothing lasts forever
For all good things it's true
I'd rather trade it all
While somehow saving you
It must have been the season
That threw us out of line


Once I stood so tall
Now I'm searching for a sign
So don't need your salvation
With promises unkind
And all the speculations

Save it for another time
Cause we all need a reason
A reason just to stay
And Some just can't be bothered
To stick around another day


And some say this can't be real
And I've lost my power to feel, tonight
We've all been victims of a crime




When all is gone and can't be regained
We can't seem to shelter the pain inside
We've all been victims of a crime


Victims of a crime


Living with this crime




I'm missing you
Im missing you
Im missing you
Im missing you!!!!!!

so far away by avenge sevenfold

Never feared for anything.



Never shamed but never free.


A light that healed a broken heart with all that it could


Lived a life so endlessly.


Saw beyond what others see.


I tried to heal your broken heart with all that I could

 Will you stay?


Will you stay awake  forever?


How do I live without the ones I love?


Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned.


Place and time always on my mind.


I have so much to say but you're so far away.


Plans of what our futures hold


Foolish lies of growin' old


It seems we're so invincible, the truth is so cold.


A final song, a last request


A perfect chapter laid to rest


Now and then I try to find a place in my mind


Where you can say,


You can stay awake forever.


How do I live without the ones I love?


Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned.


Place and time always on my mind.


I have so much to say but you're so far away.


Sleep tight, I'm not afraid.


The ones that we love are here with me.


Lay away a place for me


'Cause as soon as I'm done, I'll be on my way


To live  eternally.


How do I live without the ones I love?


Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned


Place and time always on my mind


And the light you left remains but it's so hard to stay


When I had so much to say and you're so far away.


I love you


You were ready


The pain is strong and urges rise


But I'll see you


When it lets me


Your pain is gone, your hands untied.






So far away.


I need you to know


So far away


And I need you to,


Need you to know...

excerpts from Tims blogs he left re his schiztophrenia........

....Ive lost alot of reltionships
ive lost custody of my son
i have lost a dozen jobs, very high paying jobs
that i enjoyed. Got along great with my bosses.
they would even ccall looking for me for weeks they
really liked me and my work
when i could cope with life theyve even rehired me a few of them.
It seems so simple the answer but when it comes on I am just so lost and scared and confused. I do nothing. It has caused me to be homeless.
I used to always be able to turn on and off the noises and voices in my head.
Of course i  dont want to look crazy when im talking to no one in front of someone.
So i would talk back only when I knew I was alone I knew the difference and thought it was normal.
.....................................to be continued ...................

"what will matter"... by michael joseph

Live a life that will matter

Ready or not someday it will all come to an end.

There will be no more sunrises no minutes hours or days.
All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass
to someone else.
Your wealth, fame, and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.
It will not matter what u owned or what you were owed.
Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear.
So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to do lists will expire.
The wins and losses that once seemed to important will fade away.
It wont matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived, At the end.
It wont matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant
Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.
So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?
 is not your success but your significance.
What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built; not what
you got, but what you gave.
What will matter is not your success, but your significance.
What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught.

What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.
What will matter is not your competence, but your character.
What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will
feel a lasting loss when you're gone.
What will matter is not your memories, but the memories that live in those who loved you.
What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.
Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident Its not a matter of
circumstance but of choice.
Choose to live a life that matters

when someone takes his own life

In many ways this seems the most tragic for of death
certainly it can entail more shock and grief for those who are left behind than any other.
Suicide is often judged to be essentially a selfish act, but the Bible warns us not to judge.

For we know not how many valiant battles such a person may have fought and won
before he loses that one particular battle.
And is it fair that all the good acts and impulses of such a person should be forgotten
or blotted out by his final tragic act?

I think that our reaction should be one of love and compassion not condemnation.
each one of us has our own breaking point.
For some reason life puts more pressure on some of us than others
step back and think how dark desperate and loney he must have felt to think
that this was his only way out.

To those of us left behind ...lift up your heads and your hearts...
and know surely u did your best. know surely Tim did his best for as long as he could.
Remember now that his battles and torments are over.
Do not judge and not presume to fathom the mind of God where this one of his children is concerned.

Our Tim died on his own battlefield. He was killed in action fighting a civil war of his own
that none of us could even begin to imagine.
He fought against adversaries that were as real to him as his ashes are to us here.
They were powerful adversaries. They took toll of his energies and endurance.
They exhausted the last vestiges of courage and strength.
At last these adversaries overwhelmed him and it appeared that he lost the war but did he?

I see a host of victories that he has won!

For one thing...he has won our admiration...because even if he lost the war,
we give him credit for his bravery on the battlefield.
We give him credit for the courage and pride and hope that he used as his weapons as long as he could.

We shall remember not his death but his daily victories gained through his kindnesses and
thoughtfulness through his love for his family and friends, animals and all things beautiful.
We shall remember the many days that he was victorious over overwhelming odds.
We shall remember not the years we thought he had left but the intensity with which he lived
the years he had.

Remember Tims smile and the happiness he had when he was with us.
i will never forget his voice saying..."My sister what are you doing?"

he was my brother

He was my brother

thre years younger than I

He was my brother

thirty four Years old the day he died


They cursed my brother to his face

Go home outsider

This town's gonna be your buryin' place

He was singin' on his knees

An angry mob trailed along

They shot my brother down no matter what he did

Because he hated what was wrong

He was my brother

Tears can't bnng him back to me

He was my brother

And he died so he could be free

He died so he could be free

brother

Brother


I’ve got to tell you something

You may just disagree

But always time

If you’re in need of assistance

Hold on to me

On to me

This season change your sanity

I’d help you on your feet

On your feet.

Oh brother

My brother’s gone

Oh brother

My brother’s gone

I wanna show you something

Just put your trust in me

Trust in me

I shout and scream and I try

You turn your face from me

You just turn away from me

Hold on to me

Oh brother

My brother’s gone

My brother’s gone

alone

Alone


Let me ask you a question

Will you lend me your ear

Do you know the meaning of emptiness

If not I’ll make it clear

Alone, alone

Nobody knows how lonely it can be

And I’m so tired of being alone.

Let me tell you a story

One you’ve probably heard

One about the man who was lost

And I can tell you in one word

Alone, alone

Nobody knows how lonely it can be

And he was tired of being alone

Alone, alone

Nobody knows how lonely it can be

And I’m so tired of being alone.

There’s an end to the fable

Where does all of this lead

That for everyone who needs someone

There is someone there to need

Alone, alone

Someone is still alone

Alone, alone

Someone is still alone.

EMPTINESS
When I lost you….I lost too…a piece of my heart
a part of my soul
the air that I breathe
the blood that flows through my veins
my reason to live
my purpose in life.
I walk now in this world
without you
my days are emptyand the pain is grave.
Since you were my guide
my beacon in lifehow can I survive?
How can I fill this empty pit in my soul?
The life that I knew
was forever changed
on that day filled with sorrow
the day that you left without a farewell.

JustLida
10/8/2009

DUST AND ASHES
You were flesh and bones indeed
blood was flowing through your veins
Dust to dust, ashes to ashes
Ceases your existence to continue
photos, momentums…nostalgic memories of the past.
What we touched doesn’t existin the way it did before
No more dreams to call tomorrow
no more smiles and time to share
in the breeze the ashes fly
and the dust returns to dust.

JustLida
10/21/09

A MOTHER’S LAST GOOD BYE

I brought you in this world my child and now…you have to take this step alone.As I held you once in my arms; fragile, small and helpless.A day not long ago, when you came into this life.Now, as a young man I also lay by your side; powerless, full of grief, holding you tight in my arms this time for the final moment.
The Lord is calling you my dear. As hard as I want to change that, as much as it breaks my heart, all I can do is hold you, softly whispering to you how special you are and the immense love that I have for you.
It is the last time I will sing this lullaby the song of my last good-byetelling you not to fear…Tonight you’ll wake up in heavenyou’ll see the glory of our Lord
As you close your eyes, and fall into an eternal dream, my breath catches with your last part of my life goes with you,
my love my child…good bye.

happy birthday brother

happy birthday Tim i love you and i miss you so much i am happy u are in peace. i wish i could have given or helped u have some of that here on earth but i know there is nothing i could have done u wouldnt let me help you u never wanted to be a burden on me u thot u were but u were u were the light of mine and my childrens lives. you were loved my so many more than u even knew. the things u thot about urself were not real we never thot those things of u i know with your illness u suffered with caused alot of those thots and the things u went thru alot of them were not your fault i wish i would have know so i could help u thru and have protected u more those things no one should ever have to go thru. u wanted to only be happy around me and not talk about the bad things but u didnt realize thats what u needed. i am so proud of u you worked hard to overcome so many things. i understand why u didnt what u did it hurts and i go thru my feelings and just now realized i was angry that u left me but in reality i know u didnt and u did what u had to do i think u were a very brave soul to go thru what u did and try so hard with so many road blocks in your way u still tried. i went thru stress yes but that was only because i loved u and wanted to help u and worried aobut u. u were never a burden no matter what went on u were my brother and i would always be there. I am so thankful for the last few years i had with you i look back at the pictures and feel so blessed to have those memories they are what i hold in my heart. i missed out on alot thru the years with you and missed you so much when u stayed away but i knew why.
i told sara today that it would have been your birthday and u would have been 36 she said it is your bday and u r 36 and we can celebrate your birthday in our heart that little 5 year old was right. i dont know if u see us from heaven or not i hope u do and know how much you were loved.

how can i live with my loss......
no matter what the relationship the separations has been painfully agonizing.
each persons loss and suffering has its own unique quality. no outsider can ever fully enter into it. every one will suffer with some form of loss it feels like a hole has been torn in your soul that cannot be mended.
the difficult but necessary process of dealing with any loss is called grief .
most of us think of grieving over loss when we consider dealing with the death of someone we love, but if we think of loss only in terms of death we rob ourselves the opportunity to deal with the lesser losses witch will build up our confidence in Gods faithfulness during difficult times. if we do learn to grieve appropriately over the lesser losses in life then when the emotional tidal wave of grief over death does come and if its already hit will there will b inner strenth that will enable us to weather the storm.
losses come in a variety of shapes forms and sizes and with differing degrees of intensity . u may be struggling with the loss of .. your parent, your spouse, your child, your marriage, your fertility, your job, your financial situatioon, your reputation, your youthful vigor, your usefullness since retierment.
as we move through this sea called life we leave behind familiar waters that well never sail again .......the carefree days of childhood, the feel of a favorite doll, the thrill of hitting a first home run, the excitement of a first kiss, the sound of a first car, the pet we grew up, with the joy of bringing children into the world, and much more.
as we leave these things behind we grieve over their loss
it hurts to say goodbye.
we are all dealing with loss. sooner or later the things we hold dear are taken out of our hands. sometimes gently sometimes harshly but always painfully.
it is my prayer that the following pages with help to make this journey more understandable bearable and even hopeful for you. to be continued....