www.save.org

april 28, 2008

this day was the most shocking horrible memorable day of all of our lives.....i will never forget the fear and pain that flowed thru my body and the feeling of not being able to breathe, screaming over and over till shawn finally realized what i was saying... "my brother is dead" and not wanting mom to hear. running to her to protect her from those awful words knowing i had to tell her. falling to the ground with her screaming and holding her in fear disbelief that moment is etched in my memory forever. having to call the family the fear of grandmas reaction shes been thru so much. the family was all together within a matter of a few hours to be there for each other. the fact of not being able to do anything to fix or change the situation. i thot if i was to go there and pick him up from the place he was living i could fix him and make him better but he was no longer there. i asked mom and my husband to go get him and bring him home, knowing he wasnt there but in denial thinking and hoping he was. i wished i had known what he was going to do so i could have been there to just hold him and tell him i love him and its ok u suffered long enough i know u tried and fought as long as u could and i know u felt this was the only way out or u would not of done this knowing how much we would hurt. im not angry, im sad, a part of me died with u that day. i fell to the ground and covered my face and ears so the only thing i could hear was my breathing making it loud enough to drown every noise of the family around and every thot of picturing how u were that night how u felt did it hurt were u scared did u have second thots but it was too late. why couldnt i be there? no one should die alone.

i will write more on your life brother so people will understand. i love you and are happy you arent suffering. and u are in the arms of Jesus.