i miss you and i love you

hey brother,

i think of u often not a day goes by that i do not think of u!
some days not two hours go by that i dont think of u.
when im alone and quiet is when things go round and round my head
maybe why i dont let things be quiet!
i thik of u with love i think of u wit guilt and sadness and regrets mosst of all i think how much i love you and mis you and how u took part of me with u that day god gave you your wings.
i get angry at people in your life that hurt you i gt angry at your disease i even get angry at you sometimes for not allowing anyone in enough to help. i know i could have helped at least a little. your outcome may not have changed but at least u would have not been so alone in your hurt and pain.
i dont stay angry wiht u very long becaue i love you so much that i am happy and thankfull your pain is gone.
"your finally free your pain is gone your hands untied"
i try to tell myself this everytime im sad.
tim i miss you my heart is broken i really dont know if it will ever mend.
i hope u knew how much i loved you! i  hope u know that u did so much to make us smile and that stressing my life out was not the thing i remember i only stressed because i worried about u. but that isnt what u and i were about Tim i hope u know that!
i never looked down on you i never thot bad of you there would never be anything u could have done to make me think bad of u! NOTHING!
im sorry i didnt let u live iwth me in that apartmment the night u called at midnight to pick u up i really tried but inside i panicked and idont know why i didnt call the next day and pick u up. i was going to let u stay with me but the panic inside me took over and im soooo soooo sorry i would give anything to change that! i sent u back to the devils den why did i do that. im so sorry tim.
i love you my brother my precious brother! im so thankful for the last two years we had so close.
i always here u say "u made the bomb dinner" i think it was christmas. 
i always here you say "how do u do that" when u asked how i was doing with my drinking and i said im not. i look back now and i realize why u asked me that. if u had said how hard it was foro u to not use or somehting we could have talked. i could have been there for u for support.
the outcome may have still been the same but at least ud know i understood u and u werent alone and maybe i could have helped u a little more.
i always here you say "MY SIIIISTER, WHAT ARE U DOOOOING?"
well ive said alot and i guess i need to go all i can do is remember ..."your finallly free, your pain is gone, your hands untied"

good night brother