Brother,
My life is so different. I'm not the same sister you left behind. I'm still her and still strong just a lil fractured now I guess you'd say.
I have learned to live a new way after you left and now I seem to have to find yet another new way.
It's not because your gone that this other new way is taking place. I think it's just a pile up of everything over the years.
If only you knew you weren't alone in your struggles of the heart mind and soul. I can dwell on that and get frustrated that you didn't reach out and speak up but it's ok cuz your safe now.
I still suffer with it but I have contol and won't let you or my family down.
Thanksgiving just passed and Christmas on its way. It's not the same without you but I find my way. If you can't see us i hope I make you proud and if you can speak to God and ask him to give us strength and watch over Bri. If you can ever send me a sign your there please do.
I fucking love you more than you can ever know. I so hope you knew that here on earth but at least I think you know now.
I haven't spread your ashes yet but I will. You have to wait on me for that one.
I'll see you when he lets me my precious brother until then I'll remain strong and keep going. I love you.
Monday, December 5, 2016
Sunday, November 8, 2015
its been a while
hey brother...
been putting this off for too long...finally posted some things about you that i wish id have said many many years ago that people should have known back when. its sad we had to lose you to finally understand. I'm so sorry we didn't take more time....
not really sure where to start i been blocking the pain for a long time thinking I'm fine but knowing I'm not.
i think a lot of how i wish you were still here but then quickly remind myself that you are happy your not.
i didn't see the times in your way you were reaching out... it wasn't as clear as simply asking for help. i don't think you knew how...but looking back i realize in those conversations the last year, where a question or statement needed to be followed with a more detailed answer or a question i should have asked.
not really sure where to start i been blocking the pain for a long time thinking im fine but knowing im not.
i think alot of how i wish you were still here but then quickly remind myself that you are happy your not.
there are finally changes being made and more awareness of schizophrenia and other mental disabilities abd also how the law enforcement deals with it and treating people right and not like criminals!
who would have thought that a homeless man who had schizophrenia and was beaten to death by police...Kelly Thomas...would be the one to bring about these changes!
you probably already know cuz hes probably up there with you.
were fighting for him which means were fighting for you too!
your earthly birthday is coming up in a few days. i decided long ago your real birthday is the day you went to heavn! becaus its the best one for you!
i miss you every second of everyday. im making it through anyways.
How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned
Place and time always on my mind
I have so much to say but you're so far away
Sleep tight, I'm not afraid (not afraid)
The ones that we love are here with me
Lay away a place for me (place for me)
'Cause as soon as I'm done I'll be on my way
To live eternally
How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned
Place and time always on my mind
And the light you left remains but it's so hard to stay
When I have so much to say and you're so far away
I love you, you were ready
The pain is strong and urges rise
But I'll see you, when He lets me
Your pain is gone, your hands untied
So far away (so far)
And I need you to know
So far away (so far)
And I need you to, need you to know
been putting this off for too long...finally posted some things about you that i wish id have said many many years ago that people should have known back when. its sad we had to lose you to finally understand. I'm so sorry we didn't take more time....
not really sure where to start i been blocking the pain for a long time thinking I'm fine but knowing I'm not.
i think a lot of how i wish you were still here but then quickly remind myself that you are happy your not.
i didn't see the times in your way you were reaching out... it wasn't as clear as simply asking for help. i don't think you knew how...but looking back i realize in those conversations the last year, where a question or statement needed to be followed with a more detailed answer or a question i should have asked.
not really sure where to start i been blocking the pain for a long time thinking im fine but knowing im not.
i think alot of how i wish you were still here but then quickly remind myself that you are happy your not.
there are finally changes being made and more awareness of schizophrenia and other mental disabilities abd also how the law enforcement deals with it and treating people right and not like criminals!
who would have thought that a homeless man who had schizophrenia and was beaten to death by police...Kelly Thomas...would be the one to bring about these changes!
you probably already know cuz hes probably up there with you.
were fighting for him which means were fighting for you too!
your earthly birthday is coming up in a few days. i decided long ago your real birthday is the day you went to heavn! becaus its the best one for you!
i miss you every second of everyday. im making it through anyways.
How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned
Place and time always on my mind
I have so much to say but you're so far away
Sleep tight, I'm not afraid (not afraid)
The ones that we love are here with me
Lay away a place for me (place for me)
'Cause as soon as I'm done I'll be on my way
To live eternally
How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned
Place and time always on my mind
And the light you left remains but it's so hard to stay
When I have so much to say and you're so far away
I love you, you were ready
The pain is strong and urges rise
But I'll see you, when He lets me
Your pain is gone, your hands untied
So far away (so far)
And I need you to know
So far away (so far)
And I need you to, need you to know
Friday, July 20, 2012
Monday, January 10, 2011
i miss you and i love you
hey brother,
i think of u often not a day goes by that i do not think of u!
some days not two hours go by that i dont think of u.
when im alone and quiet is when things go round and round my head
maybe why i dont let things be quiet!
i thik of u with love i think of u wit guilt and sadness and regrets mosst of all i think how much i love you and mis you and how u took part of me with u that day god gave you your wings.
i get angry at people in your life that hurt you i gt angry at your disease i even get angry at you sometimes for not allowing anyone in enough to help. i know i could have helped at least a little. your outcome may not have changed but at least u would have not been so alone in your hurt and pain.
i dont stay angry wiht u very long becaue i love you so much that i am happy and thankfull your pain is gone.
"your finally free your pain is gone your hands untied"
i try to tell myself this everytime im sad.
tim i miss you my heart is broken i really dont know if it will ever mend.
i hope u knew how much i loved you! i hope u know that u did so much to make us smile and that stressing my life out was not the thing i remember i only stressed because i worried about u. but that isnt what u and i were about Tim i hope u know that!
i never looked down on you i never thot bad of you there would never be anything u could have done to make me think bad of u! NOTHING!
im sorry i didnt let u live iwth me in that apartmment the night u called at midnight to pick u up i really tried but inside i panicked and idont know why i didnt call the next day and pick u up. i was going to let u stay with me but the panic inside me took over and im soooo soooo sorry i would give anything to change that! i sent u back to the devils den why did i do that. im so sorry tim.
i love you my brother my precious brother! im so thankful for the last two years we had so close.
i always here u say "u made the bomb dinner" i think it was christmas.
i always here you say "how do u do that" when u asked how i was doing with my drinking and i said im not. i look back now and i realize why u asked me that. if u had said how hard it was foro u to not use or somehting we could have talked. i could have been there for u for support.
the outcome may have still been the same but at least ud know i understood u and u werent alone and maybe i could have helped u a little more.
i always here you say "MY SIIIISTER, WHAT ARE U DOOOOING?"
well ive said alot and i guess i need to go all i can do is remember ..."your finallly free, your pain is gone, your hands untied"
good night brother
i think of u often not a day goes by that i do not think of u!
some days not two hours go by that i dont think of u.
when im alone and quiet is when things go round and round my head
maybe why i dont let things be quiet!
i thik of u with love i think of u wit guilt and sadness and regrets mosst of all i think how much i love you and mis you and how u took part of me with u that day god gave you your wings.
i get angry at people in your life that hurt you i gt angry at your disease i even get angry at you sometimes for not allowing anyone in enough to help. i know i could have helped at least a little. your outcome may not have changed but at least u would have not been so alone in your hurt and pain.
i dont stay angry wiht u very long becaue i love you so much that i am happy and thankfull your pain is gone.
"your finally free your pain is gone your hands untied"
i try to tell myself this everytime im sad.
tim i miss you my heart is broken i really dont know if it will ever mend.
i hope u knew how much i loved you! i hope u know that u did so much to make us smile and that stressing my life out was not the thing i remember i only stressed because i worried about u. but that isnt what u and i were about Tim i hope u know that!
i never looked down on you i never thot bad of you there would never be anything u could have done to make me think bad of u! NOTHING!
im sorry i didnt let u live iwth me in that apartmment the night u called at midnight to pick u up i really tried but inside i panicked and idont know why i didnt call the next day and pick u up. i was going to let u stay with me but the panic inside me took over and im soooo soooo sorry i would give anything to change that! i sent u back to the devils den why did i do that. im so sorry tim.
i love you my brother my precious brother! im so thankful for the last two years we had so close.
i always here u say "u made the bomb dinner" i think it was christmas.
i always here you say "how do u do that" when u asked how i was doing with my drinking and i said im not. i look back now and i realize why u asked me that. if u had said how hard it was foro u to not use or somehting we could have talked. i could have been there for u for support.
the outcome may have still been the same but at least ud know i understood u and u werent alone and maybe i could have helped u a little more.
i always here you say "MY SIIIISTER, WHAT ARE U DOOOOING?"
well ive said alot and i guess i need to go all i can do is remember ..."your finallly free, your pain is gone, your hands untied"
good night brother
Saturday, December 4, 2010
explains things that went thru Tims head on a daily basis.....
some of the words to this song u may not understand but what i take from it is part the illness talking to his head part the band members feelings for what he was going thru and part the distortion that takes place in a persons head who deals with this disease of schitzophrenia/schitzo effective disorder. these may seem to make people sad for me its very therapeutic. and i feel it just explains so much that so many people dont understand.
NIGHTMARE!
Now your nightmare comes to life.
Dragged you down below
Down to the devils show
To be his guest forever
Peace of mind is less than never
Hate to twist your mind
But God ain't on your side
An old acquaintance severed
Burn the world your last endeavor
Flesh is burning
You can smell it in the air
Cause men like you have such an easy soul to steal (steal)
So stand in line while they ink numbers in your head
You're now a slave until the end of time here
Nothing stops the madness turning, haunting, yearning pull the trigger
You should have known
The price of evil
And it hurts to know that you belong here
Yeah
Oooooooh
It's your fucking nightmare
While your nightmare comes to life
Can't wake up in sweat
Cause it ain't over yet
Still dancing with your demons
Beyond the will to fight
Where all that's wrong is right
Where hate don't need a reason
Loathing self-assassination
You've been lied to
Just to rape you of your sight
And now they have the nerve to tell you how to feel (feel)
So sedated as they medicate your brain
And while you slowly go insane they tell ya
"Given with the best intentions, help you with your complications"
You should have known
The price of evil
And it hurts to know that you belong here
Yeah
No one to call
Everybody to fear
Your tragic fate
Is looking so clear
Yeah
Oooooooh
It's your fucking nightmare
HA! HA! HA! HA!
Fight (Fight! ). not to fail (fail! )
Not to fall (fall! )
Or you'll end up like the others
Die (Die! ), die again (die! )
Drenched in sin (sin! )
With no respect for another
OH!
Down(Down! ), feel the fire(fire! )
Feel the hate(hate! )
Your pain is what we desire
Lost (Lost! ), hit the wall (wall! )
Watch you crawl (crawl! )
Such a replaceable liar
And I know you hear their voices
(Calling from above)
And I know they may seem real
(These signals of love)
But our life's made up of choices
(Some without appeal)
They took for granted your soul
And it's ours now to steal
As your nightmare comes to life
You should have known
The price of evil
And it hurts to know that you belong here
Yeah
No one to call
Everybody to fear
Your tragic fate
Is looking so clear
Yeah
Oooooooh
It's your fucking nightmare
NIGHTMARE!
Now your nightmare comes to life.
Dragged you down below
Down to the devils show
To be his guest forever
Peace of mind is less than never
Hate to twist your mind
But God ain't on your side
An old acquaintance severed
Burn the world your last endeavor
Flesh is burning
You can smell it in the air
Cause men like you have such an easy soul to steal (steal)
So stand in line while they ink numbers in your head
You're now a slave until the end of time here
Nothing stops the madness turning, haunting, yearning pull the trigger
You should have known
The price of evil
And it hurts to know that you belong here
Yeah
Oooooooh
It's your fucking nightmare
While your nightmare comes to life
Can't wake up in sweat
Cause it ain't over yet
Still dancing with your demons
Beyond the will to fight
Where all that's wrong is right
Where hate don't need a reason
Loathing self-assassination
You've been lied to
Just to rape you of your sight
And now they have the nerve to tell you how to feel (feel)
So sedated as they medicate your brain
And while you slowly go insane they tell ya
"Given with the best intentions, help you with your complications"
You should have known
The price of evil
And it hurts to know that you belong here
Yeah
No one to call
Everybody to fear
Your tragic fate
Is looking so clear
Yeah
Oooooooh
It's your fucking nightmare
HA! HA! HA! HA!
Fight (Fight! ). not to fail (fail! )
Not to fall (fall! )
Or you'll end up like the others
Die (Die! ), die again (die! )
Drenched in sin (sin! )
With no respect for another
OH!
Down(Down! ), feel the fire(fire! )
Feel the hate(hate! )
Your pain is what we desire
Lost (Lost! ), hit the wall (wall! )
Watch you crawl (crawl! )
Such a replaceable liar
And I know you hear their voices
(Calling from above)
And I know they may seem real
(These signals of love)
But our life's made up of choices
(Some without appeal)
They took for granted your soul
And it's ours now to steal
As your nightmare comes to life
You should have known
The price of evil
And it hurts to know that you belong here
Yeah
No one to call
Everybody to fear
Your tragic fate
Is looking so clear
Yeah
Oooooooh
It's your fucking nightmare
Monday, November 1, 2010
victim by avenge sevenfold
House full of roses
A letter on the stairs
A tape full of messages for anyone who cares
Collage of broken words
And stories full of tears
Remembering your life
Cause we wish that you were here
Nothing is harder
Than to wake up all alone
Realize it's not okay
It's the end of all you know
Time keeps passing by
But it seems I'm frozen still
Scars are left behind
But some too deep to feel
And some say this can't be real
And I've lost my power to feel, tonight
We're all just victims of a crime
When all is gone and can't be regained
We can't seem to shelter the pain inside
We're all just victims of a crime
Somedays you'll find me
In a place I like to go
Ask questions to myself
Bout the thing I'll never know
What's left to find
Cause I need a little more
I need a little time
Can we even up the score?
And some say this can't be real
And I've lost my power to feel, tonight
We're all just victims of a crime
When all is gone and can't be regained
We can't seem to shelter the pain inside
We're all just victims of a crime
And nothing lasts forever
For all good things it's true
I'd rather trade it all
While somehow saving you
It must have been the season
That threw us out of line
Once I stood so tall
Now I'm searching for a sign
So don't need your salvation
With promises unkind
And all the speculations
Save it for another time
Cause we all need a reason
A reason just to stay
And Some just can't be bothered
To stick around another day
And some say this can't be real
And I've lost my power to feel, tonight
We've all been victims of a crime
When all is gone and can't be regained
We can't seem to shelter the pain inside
We've all been victims of a crime
Victims of a crime
Living with this crime
I'm missing you
Im missing you
Im missing you
Im missing you!!!!!!
A letter on the stairs
A tape full of messages for anyone who cares
Collage of broken words
And stories full of tears
Remembering your life
Cause we wish that you were here
Nothing is harder
Than to wake up all alone
Realize it's not okay
It's the end of all you know
Time keeps passing by
But it seems I'm frozen still
Scars are left behind
But some too deep to feel
And some say this can't be real
And I've lost my power to feel, tonight
We're all just victims of a crime
When all is gone and can't be regained
We can't seem to shelter the pain inside
We're all just victims of a crime
Somedays you'll find me
In a place I like to go
Ask questions to myself
Bout the thing I'll never know
What's left to find
Cause I need a little more
I need a little time
Can we even up the score?
And some say this can't be real
And I've lost my power to feel, tonight
We're all just victims of a crime
When all is gone and can't be regained
We can't seem to shelter the pain inside
We're all just victims of a crime
And nothing lasts forever
For all good things it's true
I'd rather trade it all
While somehow saving you
It must have been the season
That threw us out of line
Once I stood so tall
Now I'm searching for a sign
So don't need your salvation
With promises unkind
And all the speculations
Save it for another time
Cause we all need a reason
A reason just to stay
And Some just can't be bothered
To stick around another day
And some say this can't be real
And I've lost my power to feel, tonight
We've all been victims of a crime
When all is gone and can't be regained
We can't seem to shelter the pain inside
We've all been victims of a crime
Victims of a crime
Living with this crime
I'm missing you
Im missing you
Im missing you
Im missing you!!!!!!
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